Updated: Mar 21
Some women are haters because socially and emotionally that’s all they’ve been enriched enough to become. I’m willing to bet a dollar (since that’s the only cash that’s left in my wallet right now) that when you think of a “generational curse” you probably think of a family (or nation) being stricken with grief or strife by God as the result of some terrible offense committed by a family member (or nation), usually a male member of the family. But there is a new wave of generational curses being passed down by many WOMEN to their daughters (and son’s too) that actually seems to be OPTIONAL. Being a hater is one of them.
Women have to teach their daughters not to hate on other women because one day every woman is going to need another woman to lean on. And if you hate on all of them there won’t be any left to lean on when that time comes! Many women refute the fact that they are even a hater at all or that they have problems with themselves that they project onto other women. Here is a quick checklist to let you know whether or not you have a little hater in you that needs to be put in check (We all do at some point so don’t take it too hard if these things apply to you).
1. You talk negatively about women that you’ve never interacted with and often repeat negative things about women you don’t know to other people.
2. You think and say negative things about a person but you follow them on social media and send them friend requests anyway.
3. You only support women who look a certain way that you find IDEAL regardless of their true capability.
4. You always have something negative to say.
5. You immolate the behavior of women that you see on reality tv by using their vocabulary and mannerisms as your standard for communication as well.
6. You “@” strangers a lot on social media just to argue.
7. When people say impersonal things you frequently take it personally and attack their physical appearance even though that has nothing to do with the conversation.
Being a hater is a curse because it limits a woman socially and takes the attention off of her real problems and insecurities and projects them onto other innocent women through the act of hating. If harboring so much negativity to the point of hating on other women for no reason doesn’t sound life a curse then I don’t know what does. And even worse women are teaching this way of socializing and relating to women to their daughters hence being a hater becoming a GENERATIONAL issue. Sadly, if you look at the lives of women who have a hard time with women so did their mom and even their grandmother. Sometimes we don’t get to choose the things we have to go through in life but we do get to choose how we treat people as a result of what we’ve been through.
It’s not that men don’t hate (because they do) but more and more families are being raised by women only due to divorce or fathers being absent from the home or absent from the family dynamics in general. I’m not blaming women for all of the hate in the world but let’s be honest here, as women we have to tighten up on the way we treat one another. Being catty and mean and unnecessarily vocal to the point of being rude or a hater is just too much. Women who have good self-esteem aren’t overly critical in their communication and they don’t feel the need to make other people think badly of someone just because they do.
Self-esteem is a conscious conversation. It’s not a strength that you just HOPE your child or even yourself will just magically develop. Self-esteem is often established through the way we compare ourselves to others and socialize with other people in general. When daughters see moms judge their own body too hard, their own life too hard and their relationships and friendships too hard that tendency to be TOO HARD on people is consciously or unconsciously taught to their daughters. The nit picking that women do to themselves and to each other becomes the standard. That’s why you see so many women being critical – they were raised in critical homes where it was the norml to ostracize a female family member for being overweight, not having her hair and make-up just right or just plain judging those around you so strictly to point of being hurtful.
Again, lets be real here. Families ain’t what they use to be. Your family members will stab you in the back and tarnish your name faster than an obvious enemy. But that’s part of the issue people aren’t being good families and sticking together so they form alliances with other people even if its based upon negativity. When parents engage in overly critical behavior it teaches daughters that they have the right to judge everything that’s different too, everything that makes them feel uncomfortable and everything that makes them feel inadequate. When one woman’s strengths make you feel inadequate that’s your issue to deal with not hers.
This process of being a hater becomes soothing to a woman who struggles with her identity and self-worth. It keeps her from feeling as bad about her own shortcomings and areas of weakness by picking at other women about theirs. And it creates a sense of entitlement that suggests that a woman has a right to say something really bad about another woman for no real reason. Sometimes as women we really don’t know what we are or are not doing because we lack self awareness.
Lack of self-awareness is a curse. Low self-awareness reduces the amount of empathy expressed to other women. This reduction in empathy causes a lot of women to say things to other women that they just shouldn’t say or saying things they should say but just saying it in the WRONG WAY. People who have low self-awareness tend to be less emotionally intelligent therefore they are way more likely to say mean or inappropriate things because their meter for good common sense and judgement is off. They also make less money and live less fulfilling lives becomes they have a harder time navigating their own feelings and social situations appropriately. Living a less fulfilling life sucks! And passing that way of life down to your daughters sucks even more. So here are 4 ways to be the link that breaks the chain in being a woman hater:
1. Excuse my language but – ACT LIKE A F*CKING LADY. Was it “lady like” for me to say “f*ck”? No it was not but that f bomb helped me EMPHATICALLY express the need for more women to actually act like WOMEN and demonstrate some feminine qualities. Women who have more feminine qualities tend to be less bitchy and rude because they see it as “unlady” like to say and do certain negative and hater like things. Maybe take an etiquette class, wear more pink, even a little therapy may help you to get more in touch with your feminine side. Because its that femininity that expresses compassion and caring for others and a need to nurture other women vs. tearing them down by saying ugly things that shouldn’t be said.
2. Stop dealing with people who don’t make you feel better. A hater tends to have other haters in their social circle who are just as critical of them as they are of others. If you have people in your life that make you feel bad just for laughs or consider them being mean to you as “constructive criticism” you need to consider having more positive interactions in your life. But don’t suck all the positive people dry with your hating attitude. Healthily give back to the people who healthily pour into you.
Do more things that make you feel optimistic, emotionally balanced and equip yourself with knowledge that will help you successfully navigate negativity and differences in your life. Fast from the nasty ways. Start off with one day that you don’t say anything hater like to anyone. Look for more acceptable ways to provide feedback. Try writing in a journal and detail the circumstances around the situation that’s urging you say hater like things. Talk it out within yourself. Process some things INTERNALLY vs. EXTERNALLY.
3. Don’t be hard headed. There is a saying that goes “A hard head, makes a soft ass”. And acting like an ass to innocent people when you know that’s not the right thing to do is unacceptable. Women who have harsher views tend to be me more bull-headed women. Its okay to be a “Type A” female but the “A” doesn’t need to stand for asshole. What I mean by bull headed is those women who always have to be right and get the last word in. A lot of their confidence comes from chopping women down to show their dominance.
Again, act like a f*cking lady and use your intellect to show your strength not your dominance. Actually listen to what other women have to say vs. evaluating their responses to determine if they are good enough. A teacher who can not be a good student is not a good teacher. Don’t be hard headed. When advice or insight is helpful to the trajectory of your life – listen. Stop fighting back.
4. Last but not least – Deal with what you don’t love about yourself. A lot of the hate comes from feelings of inadequacy. And the more you love about yourself the less likely you are to tear other women down. Let me give an example: If I love my intellect and I love my hair and I love my life and I love my friends I will be less likely to HATE others. That’s simply becomes the good in my life outweighs the bad on a regular basis so I will be less likely to default to starting mess and drama and shoveling dirt on other women. Work on you. Explore ways to enjoy what and who you naturally are. Watch your mouth and mind your business. Everyone is talking about women’s empowerment and women sticking together but now its time to stop talking and take ACTION.
Women supporting women isn’t about standing up against men its about standing together with each other and realizing that some of our behaviors as women have gotten out of hand. And its not cute or funny and even worse daughters are watching and learning and replicating some of that same behavior unfortunately for generations to come. Tighten up on the hating ways.
Truly About This Life,