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Updated: Mar 21

Some women are haters because socially and emotionally that’s all they’ve been enriched enough to become. I’m willing to bet a dollar (since that’s the only cash that’s left in my wallet right now) that when you think of a “generational curse” you probably think of a family (or nation) being stricken with grief or strife by God as the result of some terrible offense committed by a family member (or nation), usually a male member of the family. But there is a new wave of generational curses being passed down by many WOMEN to their daughters (and son’s too) that actually seems to be OPTIONAL. Being a hater is one of them.

Women have to teach their daughters not to hate on other women because one day every woman is going to need another woman to lean on. And if you hate on all of them there won’t be any left to lean on when that time comes! Many women refute the fact that they are even a hater at all or that they have problems with themselves that they project onto other women. Here is a quick checklist to let you know whether or not you have a little hater in you that needs to be put in check (We all do at some point so don’t take it too hard if these things apply to you).

1. You talk negatively about women that you’ve never interacted with and often repeat negative things about women you don’t know to other people.

2. You think and say negative things about a person but you follow them on social media and send them friend requests anyway.

3. You only support women who look a certain way that you find IDEAL regardless of their true capability.

4. You always have something negative to say.

5. You immolate the behavior of women that you see on reality tv by using their vocabulary and mannerisms as your standard for communication as well.

6. You “@” strangers a lot on social media just to argue.

7. When people say impersonal things you frequently take it personally and attack their physical appearance even though that has nothing to do with the conversation.

Being a hater is a curse because it limits a woman socially and takes the attention off of her real problems and insecurities and projects them onto other innocent women through the act of hating. If harboring so much negativity to the point of hating on other women for no reason doesn’t sound life a curse then I don’t know what does. And even worse women are teaching this way of socializing and relating to women to their daughters hence being a hater becoming a GENERATIONAL issue. Sadly, if you look at the lives of women who have a hard time with women so did their mom and even their grandmother. Sometimes we don’t get to choose the things we have to go through in life but we do get to choose how we treat people as a result of what we’ve been through.

It’s not that men don’t hate (because they do) but more and more families are being raised by women only due to divorce or fathers being absent from the home or absent from the family dynamics in general. I’m not blaming women for all of the hate in the world but let’s be honest here, as women we have to tighten up on the way we treat one another. Being catty and mean and unnecessarily vocal to the point of being rude or a hater is just too much. Women who have good self-esteem aren’t overly critical in their communication and they don’t feel the need to make other people think badly of someone just because they do.

Self-esteem is a conscious conversation. It’s not a strength that you just HOPE your child or even yourself will just magically develop. Self-esteem is often established through the way we compare ourselves to others and socialize with other people in general. When daughters see moms judge their own body too hard, their own life too hard and their relationships and friendships too hard that tendency to be TOO HARD on people is consciously or unconsciously taught to their daughters. The nit picking that women do to themselves and to each other becomes the standard. That’s why you see so many women being critical – they were raised in critical homes where it was the norml to ostracize a female family member for being overweight, not having her hair and make-up just right or just plain judging those around you so strictly to point of being hurtful.

Again, lets be real here. Families ain’t what they use to be. Your family members will stab you in the back and tarnish your name faster than an obvious enemy. But that’s part of the issue people aren’t being good families and sticking together so they form alliances with other people even if its based upon negativity. When parents engage in overly critical behavior it teaches daughters that they have the right to judge everything that’s different too, everything that makes them feel uncomfortable and everything that makes them feel inadequate. When one woman’s strengths make you feel inadequate that’s your issue to deal with not hers.

This process of being a hater becomes soothing to a woman who struggles with her identity and self-worth. It keeps her from feeling as bad about her own shortcomings and areas of weakness by picking at other women about theirs. And it creates a sense of entitlement that suggests that a woman has a right to say something really bad about another woman for no real reason. Sometimes as women we really don’t know what we are or are not doing because we lack self awareness.

Lack of self-awareness is a curse. Low self-awareness reduces the amount of empathy expressed to other women. This reduction in empathy causes a lot of women to say things to other women that they just shouldn’t say or saying things they should say but just saying it in the WRONG WAY. People who have low self-awareness tend to be less emotionally intelligent therefore they are way more likely to say mean or inappropriate things because their meter for good common sense and judgement is off. They also make less money and live less fulfilling lives becomes they have a harder time navigating their own feelings and social situations appropriately. Living a less fulfilling life sucks! And passing that way of life down to your daughters sucks even more. So here are 4 ways to be the link that breaks the chain in being a woman hater:

1. Excuse my language but – ACT LIKE A F*CKING LADY. Was it “lady like” for me to say “f*ck”? No it was not but that f bomb helped me EMPHATICALLY express the need for more women to actually act like WOMEN and demonstrate some feminine qualities. Women who have more feminine qualities tend to be less bitchy and rude because they see it as “unlady” like to say and do certain negative and hater like things. Maybe take an etiquette class, wear more pink, even a little therapy may help you to get more in touch with your feminine side. Because its that femininity that expresses compassion and caring for others and a need to nurture other women vs. tearing them down by saying ugly things that shouldn’t be said.

2. Stop dealing with people who don’t make you feel better. A hater tends to have other haters in their social circle who are just as critical of them as they are of others. If you have people in your life that make you feel bad just for laughs or consider them being mean to you as “constructive criticism” you need to consider having more positive interactions in your life. But don’t suck all the positive people dry with your hating attitude. Healthily give back to the people who healthily pour into you.

Do more things that make you feel optimistic, emotionally balanced and equip yourself with knowledge that will help you successfully navigate negativity and differences in your life. Fast from the nasty ways. Start off with one day that you don’t say anything hater like to anyone. Look for more acceptable ways to provide feedback. Try writing in a journal and detail the circumstances around the situation that’s urging you say hater like things. Talk it out within yourself. Process some things INTERNALLY vs. EXTERNALLY.

3. Don’t be hard headed. There is a saying that goes “A hard head, makes a soft ass”. And acting like an ass to innocent people when you know that’s not the right thing to do is unacceptable. Women who have harsher views tend to be me more bull-headed women. Its okay to be a “Type A” female but the “A” doesn’t need to stand for asshole. What I mean by bull headed is those women who always have to be right and get the last word in. A lot of their confidence comes from chopping women down to show their dominance.

Again, act like a f*cking lady and use your intellect to show your strength not your dominance. Actually listen to what other women have to say vs. evaluating their responses to determine if they are good enough. A teacher who can not be a good student is not a good teacher. Don’t be hard headed. When advice or insight is helpful to the trajectory of your life – listen. Stop fighting back.

4. Last but not least – Deal with what you don’t love about yourself. A lot of the hate comes from feelings of inadequacy. And the more you love about yourself the less likely you are to tear other women down. Let me give an example: If I love my intellect and I love my hair and I love my life and I love my friends I will be less likely to HATE others. That’s simply becomes the good in my life outweighs the bad on a regular basis so I will be less likely to default to starting mess and drama and shoveling dirt on other women. Work on you. Explore ways to enjoy what and who you naturally are. Watch your mouth and mind your business. Everyone is talking about women’s empowerment and women sticking together but now its time to stop talking and take ACTION.

Women supporting women isn’t about standing up against men its about standing together with each other and realizing that some of our behaviors as women have gotten out of hand. And its not cute or funny and even worse daughters are watching and learning and replicating some of that same behavior unfortunately for generations to come. Tighten up on the hating ways.

Truly About This Life,

Coach Chell

I thought certain things just happened to everyone. That it was “normal” as a woman, especially as a single woman to occasionally have a man say sexually suggestive things or be more touchy than necessary. That’s why I always stayed to myself in the workplace environment. I would be social to everyone but close to very few. But staying to yourself doesn’t keep a man from coming into your personal space to say explicit things. In fact, sometimes it makes him want you even more because you’re disinterested. What do you call a man that TARGETS women that he already knows is not interested in him? Men that can't take "no" for an answer don't make good co-workers but they do make good cell mates...

When you are a single woman, Black or White you don’t have a "safekeeper" meaning a husband to repel or ward off other men. There is no one standing guard over you that lets other men know that if they cross you he will swoop in and chivalrously save the day, blocking all attempts to violate you with his advances. Predators know when you are a single mom or struggling financially or just emotionally charged. They take advantage of your fragility and try and entice you into things at work THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WORK.

You know what has nothing to do with work? Attempting to hug me at times where a hand shake was professional. I had to block a man from hugging me at work. Why didn’t he just know not to do that? I had never touched him in any way beyond a hand shake before. I firmly reached my hand out when he went in for a hug. I was fired the next day I came back to work. Two weeks before that he told me that he was "growing feelings for me" and that he was "falling in love with me". I told him I don’t want to hear it and I hung up the phone. He was sure to call my personal phone while at work and say these things because he knew that all of the calls to the business phone was recorded.

There is such a nastiness in consciously or unconsciously assuming that just because I don’t have a husband that I’m meat for male vultures to pick from. I’m not saying that married women don’t get harassed at work but when you’re single its way worse. I don’t play that. I don’t care how broke I am or how emotionally compromised my life is – I don’t feel that I have to sleep with men at work to validate or secure anything in my life.

Then there was this guy who looked at me in this gross, lingering way. He would say suggestive things to me, hoping I took the bait. He was married. One day he spoke of how his wife had made him his favorite - steak and eggs before work. Your wife got up early before you to prepare a breakfast fit for a king and then you come to work and act like a pauper? Begging for reciprocation of your dirtiest desires and flirting with every insecure woman pathetic enough to reciprocate your advances.

To many men ITS ALL JUST A GAME. They entertain themselves by bothering women. Dirty stares undressing you with their eyes, side comments about the size of their penis or sexual positons, unnecessary and unprofessional advancements to touch you. I may not have a “safe keeper” but I have every right to keep my own self safe. I choose not to engage in sexual relations with men I work with. I choose not to be the target of a man’s insatiable desires. I choose not to laugh at your jokes about sex. I like handshakes from my male co-workers or a simple “good job”. I don’t like for my hard work and education to diminished down to being your entertainment for the day or the subject of your dysfunction and lack of professionalism.

To all of the men that overstep social boundaries at work – your behavior is creepy and perhaps you should find a new hobby that doesn’t involve being disgusting or being sued or terminated due to sexual harassment. To all of the women that muddle through these experiences as a part of their efforts to fulfill their destiny and provide for their families – you don’t deserve this treatment. No matter what you wear or how you look. Keep going. Keep shining. To the women that didn't report an incident - I get it. How else will you pay your bills or how else will you and your kids survive until you can get a new job? Many women boast about what they "won't tolerate". But until its you or even if it has been you - you have no right to bash the next woman for not having the courage you have.

I'm not saying that women don't harass men in the workplace but lets be real here, men are harassing women a whole lot more than women are harassing men.

Truly disgusted,

Coach Chell

"Day of the Dead", that's the English translation of Dia de los Muertos. You are alive but are you "living" and actively and GRACIOUSLY participating in the days of your life? If you breathe, go to work, come home and repeat and feel empty or numb on the inside that answer is a NO. When you have deep rooted money problems, feel sad, grieve or spiritually you feel like you have been FORGOTTEN BY GOD and remain in that state for long periods of time, part of your spirit may enter a state of SLEEP.

This space that you operate from is a form of SELF PRESERVATION. In that space, you lose some of your creativity, your vigor, your will to experience life on different vibrations and your ability to be optimistic. No, you aren't really DEAD but you walk around feeling that way on the inside due to a sense of DETACHMENT, from your environment or even the people you love.

Dia de los Muertos is a Mexican holiday celebrated on October 31st - November 2nd. Its a time where people gather and CELEBRATE and HONOR the life of loved ones who are deceased. Those celebrating this holiday know that their loved ones who have passed away would not like for them to grieve and live on in sorrow in their absence. Part of the festivities include inviting the DEAD to come back and VISIT. As you see parts of your life dying and withering away, your dreams, your health or hopes for a better life today I ask that you INVITE PROSPERITY and ABUNDANCE back into those aspects of your life as well.

The connection that I want you to make while reading this article is that as some celebrate the life of their loved ones who are dead and gone, you take this opportunity to CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE and realize that you are still ALIVE and coherent and very much capable of revitalizing all things that seem to be fading away. It is never too late live a dream deferred, it is never too late to REFRESH your thinking, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO SAVOR THE BREATHS THAT YOU DO HAVE LEFT.

Awake sleeper, arise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

Ephesians 5:14

I LOVE YOU, GOD LOVES YOU, YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES.

Truly about this life,

Coach Chell