October 3, 2014

12:35 p.m.

Guided Mind App

Starter Kit

Self Belief Meditation

My visions during my meditation…

I am sitting by myself on a big, comfy blue chair with my feet raised up and a white soft, puffy blanket on my lap. I can feel the secure warm slippers on my feet and i am relaxed and calm.

It is dark and all that is light is the curtain which is positioned right in front of me. The spotlight illuminates its drapes. Soft music begins and the curtains begin to slowly open. Slowly, slowly they tug. A girl appears. A girl so smart. A girl that looks like me!

I hear talking and a life span out in front of my eyes. I hear laughter. I hear tears. I smell happiness. I sense fears. The stage is set and I am the star. The curtain begins to rise and I am lucky that I am not sitting too far.

I am asked to remember a time when I felt happy and so proud. To flip through the pages of my life.

Back, back, back I go. The pages turn so fast.

I am dancing. I am smiling. The sounds of the taps are pattering on my feet. “How you feeling… hot, hot, hot. How you feeling… hot, hot, hot.” The music uplifts my soul.

I see my ponytail bouncing while a smile expands across my face. The orange poofy skirt jumps exactly when I hit the space. Tap dancing is my favourite and excitement embraces my face.

Then again I am asked to think back. Back again I go. The pages flip but this time they land on a time of sorrow.

My baby, my baby is gone. I see it laying in the toilet gone, gone, gone. I want to pass out. I want to go sleep while the blood is in my vision and the throw up in my throat. My baby is gone.

My memory flashes forward to healing and strength. My mind floats forward to courage and grace. I am happy. I am strong. I made it through the pain. I made as I begin to understand.

It is time to move forward. Onward reaching to the now. To this time and place. To where the memories have subsided and the energy is wow.

“I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I repeat over and over again.”

I hear the faint music as I chant in my mind.

The curtain is closing and it is time to come back. It is time to live and time relax.

I see clear words written on the lighted stage. I squint my eyes to see and smile in a blaze.

The words are so strong. The words are so true. The words are my salvation. The words are my follow through.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Is written so big.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Is here to conceive.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Is strong and concise.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Is a start to a new life!

Journal #1

July 12, 2014

Tears...

Tears are falling...

They are falling rapidly down my face. 

Fast. Faster...

My sunglasses are on so my children cannot see but I am weeping. My nose is running. I have to pull over to the side of the country road. I am overwhelmed.

"Don't let them in. Don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal. Don't feel. Don't let them know. Well now they know. Let it go!" (Frozen).

...

I don't care what they are going to say...

I am scared and overwhelmed. I am scared of those that I am going to lose. Those who don't understand. Those who will judge me for my gifts. I am not sure of who they are but I am feeling the loss strongly! My fear of judgement and non-acceptance is appearing. My fear is winning.

"The past is the past." (Frozen). I hear these words of Elsa's voice so strong. 

I am screaming in my mind... Let it go! LET IT GO!

I can't stop crying. The sobs are protruding from way down deep in my soul. I am mourning!

The grief is for those I have lost. The pain is from those I have had to push away. For those who judge and talk behind my back. 

I am only me! I am only Jenn. I am only doing my best. I am trying to live this life the best I know how.

Paula's words keep repeating a loud echo in my head. "You are a good person. I see pure white light."

Over and over again. Pure white light. Pure white light. Pure white light.

I don't feel like pure white light. The clouded fog has blocked the way.

Shadows are surfacing. Their misty strength is rising fast. They are strong and definitely heavier than I thought.

Angels thank you for filling me with light and with your love. Please God make the pain go away!

...

"Healing the Shadow Self Meditation" Online video clip. YouTube. www.energychannel.ca, 23 Feb. 2014. Web. 26 May 2016.

Little Jennifer. Little Jennifer is 3. She is sad and she is lost. She is scared and she is confused. She is beautiful. So beautiful with innocence. So beautiful with love. Her little piggy tails are brown and her eyes are the deepest green I have ever seen.

I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I am here. I'M HERE! I hug her and console her little cries. I pick her up so tightly in my arms and embrace her. I say with love. I will always love you. I always have. I will protect you. I promise I will not leave. Never.. ever... again! I promise Jennifer I am here. I will save you. I love you. Please don't be scared. You are safe. We are safe together. Together... Forever... Safe!

My meditation brought me back to when I was 3. The memories came in like the wind. The visions painted so intense as they reappeared. But this time... Little Jennifer was saved. The sub conscience pain of the past was released. I brought us back together. This time little green eyed Jennifer left feeling loved. This time I saved myself! This time we were one!

Journal #4

Sunday morning - October 5, 2014

As I laid in my bed and my headache came on the colours began to come. While my eyes rested shut and my body silently went to sleep the mystic flow began. The purple light came in like a slow flame shining on the sand. Violet waves of translucent light floating in my mind.

The purple mist behind my lids was magic as it glowed. As my heart became peace and my mind remained calm I allowed the flow to begin to shine.

For months I have read about colours and the sight of the third eye. For months I have wondered if I would ever see. The time has come! It is finally here! It is finally in my reach! When reiki makes sense and the healing hands are real. When I close my eyes now I see the colours of the world. The rainbow of light, I see them so clearly now and I see them in indirect swirls.

The vibrant shine came strong that morning. The amaze took me by surprise. The purple fog flowed on in and brought me towards a new world of sight. A new world of butterflies lighting the peace stricken night.

October 7th - 3:03 pm

Child molestation... What a powerful pain. So powerful that your insides burn and your heart aches. It is aching. I am aching. The release is here. I have to release the pain. I'm sad. So so sad. More sad than I have ever been. Actions cut so deep. So deep that the pain hides. It has hidden itself so deep. So deep that I couldn't find it. So deep that I didn't even know it was there. That tricky hidden pain has risen and it's time for me to face it!

My childhood traumas have come out and it is time for me to heal. I believe I am strong enough now...

I was 12. I think I was 12 when I would write in a diary that I kept hidden away. I wanted to die. I wanted to take my life. At the time, I had no idea why. So lost in self pity and so lost in a confused state of self hate. I didn't feel pretty enough. I didn't feel thin enough. The slimfast shakes seemed to do the trick.

Always craving attention... wanting everyone to like me. In that moment in time to get attention, you would get it through the boys. The problem was that I wasn't as thin as the other girls. So... I thought I was ugly. My curves were always there while my breasts grew larger than the rest.

Why? I used to ask myself. Why can't I have straight blond hair while I sprayed sun-in through it trying to be someone I was not. Why couldn't my legs be thin and my waist like the other girls? When my mom would get my arms waxed so the other girls would not make me cry. When my parents kept me in my dance classes even though my legs were too big. But... they did not realize how unhappy I was. They just knew that I loved to dance. Dancing has always been my passion. When I dance, the sadness always seems to go away.

My parents never knew that I wanted to die. They never knew the truth I hid inside. I hid it. I hid it so far down. Well now the truth is starting to come out. Now... unfortunately they know... :(

October 8th - 8 pm (memory of the past)

Paula - "Were you at a carnival lately with your kids?"

I just looked at her in question.

Paula - "Like a park with lot's of trees?"

Me - "I always take the girls for walks in nature."

Paula - "Did something fall?"

Instantly, I thought of the evening I went to Gage Park in Hamilton a couple of weeks ago. The squirrels were playing with my girls.

Paula - "Your grandfather was there at the park."

Me - "The girls were playing with squirrels. I am telling you ... they wouldn't stop! I couldn't get the girls back to my van."

Paula started laughing while the vision appeared in front of her eyes. I started laughing too!

Paula - "It was your grandfather. He wanted to show you he was there."

Me - "Well can you tell him to not do that next time." I giggled. "It took me forever to get them back to the van!"

Paula - "Was there an acorn and what's with the apples?"

Me - "Sara picked an acorn up and a crab apple fell out of the tree."

Paula - "That was him."

Such a good memory and it totally makes sense now. Those squirrels were having fun with my girls. I knew it. It was like they were trying to play cat and mouse. At the time, I didn't think it was comical but now... now I know the magic was real. I know spirit is alive and my grandpa came through.