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Have you ever struggled with seeing other women as competition? I have.

 

For many years, it was extremely hard for me to look at a beautiful girl and not feel threatened in some way. I would think that because she's so beautiful, someone may not notice me. Or, if she dressed well, maybe no one else will notice that my outfit was nice too. Because of my pride and deeply rooted insecurities, I was never able to really connect with other women and forge genuine relationships with them because I always saw them as competition. It was almost like I was playing an imaginary game (the comparison game) that only I knew about, and I had to win, every time. It's ridiculous I know, but that was my reality.

 

I wonder how many of you would be honest enough to admit that you struggled with, or still struggle with the same thing? For a long time, I knew that I was incredibly insecure and this is why I often compared myself to other women, but I'd always brush it off, and ignore it. I never felt the need to address it because I was honestly ashamed. I felt ashamed that I was so insecure. It was only until the Lord revealed to me just how much of an impact comparison was having on my life and the women around me, that I knew I needed to do the work that was necessary to walk in freedom and healing.

 

The Lord helped me realize that because I always saw women as competition, I projected my insecurities onto them. For example, I'd make a girl feel left out because I struggled with envy and didn't want to be around her. Or, I'd ignore a girl because I felt threatened by her gift, or her presence. The thing is, I really had nothing against her, it's just that I was so incredibly insecure that I didn't know how to cope, and in the process, I ended up hurting someone else. Because of my own issues, I've hurt other women, and to be honest, I've experienced this same kind of hurt from other women.

 

I've been made to feel less than and incapable by other women. I've felt left out and rejected by women that I looked up to. I've been made to feel that I wasn't talented enough, good enough, or pretty enough by other women. Thinking back, I realize that maybe they didn't make me feel this way intentionally either- maybe, just like me, they were insecure and struggled to cope with their insecurities. A few days ago, I began to think about how harshly we treat our fellow sisters because of our own insecurities. I'm not talking about our biological sisters, but fellow women. We back bite and gossip. We push them aside and ignore them, all because we have issues that we refuse to acknowledge in order to heal.

 

As women, it’s time to grow up in this area. Truly. I genuinely believe that once we commit to healing and go before the Lord in repentance and prayer, He will help us. It's possible to look at another woman and call her beautiful, without seeing her as competition. It's possible to celebrate another woman's accomplishments and be genuinely happy for her. It's possible to call out the gifts in another woman and encourage her to walk in her full potential.

 

It's possible because with God, all things are possible.

 

I want to remind all the women reading this week that she's your sister, not your competition. As women, we're in this together; especially as Christian women. Most of the hurt I've experienced from other women was in the church, and I believe that it doesn't have to be that way. Change starts with us. Let's look upon our sisters and encourage them. Support them. Love on them. Cry with them. Laugh with them. Celebrate with them. Doing so takes nothing away from your worth or value. Let's commit to loving our sisters with the love of Jesus Christ.

 

Remember, she's your sister, not your competition.

 

 

 

[Check out this week's worksheet for deeper reflection regarding this issue.]

 

 

 

“The fastest way to kill something special is to compare it to something else.” - Craig Groeschel

 

The title of this blog post was derived from a book that I’ve been reading called, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s the fourth of the seven habits listed in there. The author predicts that we somehow adapt this mentality of comparison at a very young age. Interesting enough, he made reference to parents that compare their children, either to other children or to their own expectations of what they should be like. This projects the perception to children that they aren’t good enough or worse, that someone’s just better.

 

If the paradigm of what we believe can shift from Win-Lose to Win-Win, then we’ll all be able to function at our best without feeling like the worst. Before I get into the meat of overcoming comparison, I’ll share a bit of my experience. I’ve not always been the most confident person and I can’t exactly tell you when I became the "Chief Executive Officer" of comparison, but I do know that it wrecked my entire outlook of who I am. It showed up in school, in my workplace, even in my relationships. It wasn’t hard enough that I didn’t see myself as valuable, but it became more dreadful trying to convince others of what I didn’t even believe.

 

If life were a game, then who would we say is actually winning? What does it look like and who decides? I can recall comparing myself to two of my closest friends because I thought they were more anointed than I was. It didn’t stop there, I also compared the way I prayed to other people, the way I sang, and the way I spoke. Sounds silly doesn’t it? But, the harsh reality is that when you don’t know what you carry and the value it holds, everything seems to be on the higher end of the bar. It’s like a see-saw; the lower you bring your self-worth, the more elevated everyone else becomes in your eyes. Not only does it heighten everything else, but you spend so much time focusing on what other people carry that you neglect to cultivate what’s in you and what you bring to the table. The root of comparison is low self-esteem. You will always find yourself comparing who you are to another if you do not see your own value. Imagine comparing yourself to your spouse because he makes more money than you do. It’s reckless to make your help mate your opponent. The strengths of another person should never be intimidating, but rather motivating.

 

So, here’s the 411:

 

1. Comparison is the lie that the enemy uses to keep you from coming into your full potential and calling. Don’t let him.

 

2. If you learn to value yourself, you will find that you’ll eventually start to compare and contrast less.

 

3. Make a list of the things that you bring to the table that you may sometimes overlook. They’re there, look again.

 

4. Don’t weigh your quality or value on the scale of recognition. You’ll never be worth more than your perception of yourself.

 

5. Focus on you. You’ll have no need to compare if you’re too busy working on being your best self.

 

6. Make it a habit to cheer for others when they do well. Comparison is the breeding ground for jealousy and we don’t want that.

 

7. Learn from what you admire. Everyone wins!

 

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Guest Article Written By: Chryshawnda Adams

 

Chryshawnda is a a Kinesiology student at Holland College in Prince Edward Island, Canada. She is also the founder of "Queendom Living", a ministry geared towards young women.

 

Connect with Chryshawnda at "_iamchrysh"on Instagram and "Chryshawnda Adams" on Facebook. You can also contact her via her ministry email:

queendomliving242@gmail.com

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Updated: Oct 28

 

 

Most people who struggle with comparison often struggle with comparing themselves to others. However, over the years I’ve come to realize that if you let it, comparison can spill over into other areas of your life.

 

Wives/Husbands, do you ever find yourself comparing your spouse to someone else’s? Girlfriends/ Boyfriends, do you find yourself comparing your significant other to the couples trending on social media, or that man/woman in the romantic comedy you just watched? Students, do you find yourself comparing your school to someone else’s? Employees, do you find yourself comparing your jobs/careers to someone else’s?

 

Comparison knows no limits! What I've noticed however, is that when you struggle with comparing yourself to others, you also struggle with putting pressure on the people in your life to meet your crazy expectations. All of this stems from (1) Always wanting to be in control (perfectionism), and (2) Selfishness and pride. I think it goes without saying that no matter the root, imposing YOUR norms on others and constantly comparing them to other people is completely unfair. No one likes to know that their loved one is comparing them to someone else. How would you like it if someone you loved compared you to someone else? How would you enjoy hearing someone think these things about you: "I wish my boyfriend/girlfriend was fit like him/her!” Or, “ I wish my husband/wife was smart and successful like her husband/wife .” Painful right? Or, how would you feel if someone was constantly trying to fix you?: “I don’t like your hair, you should wear it this way.” Or, “I don’t like your job, maybe you should look into a career in this.”

 

I remember ALWAYS comparing the people in my life to others. Why can't he be this way? Why can’t she be like this? Why can’t, why can’t , why can’t? Eventually, I had to stop and think, Shantè, these people never asked you to fix them. They aren’t comparing you to anyone. They aren’t trying to fix you. Why are you always trying to impose your norms on someone else? Why are you so prideful to feel that you know what’s best for someone else? I remember putting so much pressure on my friends, my family, etc. to conform to MY idea of what they should be instead of embracing them for who they are! After coming to grips with this, for many years I was filled with so much regret, frustration and shame. It was my job to love them, but comparison and pride hindered me from carrying out my true role in their life.

 

If you struggle with comparing the people in your life to others, or you're constantly trying to FIX them...consider three truths that I embraced. These truths helped me to take the necessary baby steps towards overcoming this giant.

 

1. Let people be who they are!!! For goodness sake. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t push them to be their best self or provide constructive criticism if warranted, BUT what I am saying is that if their personality or reality is too much for you to handle or appreciate, then let go. This truth is especially true for those in relationships. I’m not telling married people to divorce or families to break up...please don’t misunderstand me. But, for example, ladies if your boyfriend has a personality trait that is just too much for you to handle, just leave. Moreover, I’d like to plug in that we need to stop entering relationships knowing that someone isn’t what we want and then become frustrated when they act, well, like themselves. Either love people for who they are, or let go. Simple.

 

2. Look within. Often, when we find ourselves constantly comparing the people in our lives to others and trying to fix them, it is rooted in pride. It is rooted in the fact that we THINK we know better, WE can do better, or what we desire is best, but often times this is so untrue. Look at you with your flawed self trying to tell someone how to fix their life or trying to tell them what’s best for them. We need to HUMBLE ourselves. As humans, pride is so often our guide. Every now and then, it’s important to take a step back and really do some introspection. Sometimes, it is not always the people in our lives that need to change, it’s us.

 

3. Stop watching other people’s lives! I can’t say it enough. You wouldn’t be noticing all of these “flaws” in other people if you weren't so consumed or preoccupied with other people’s lives. Look at you on Instagram. I can see you now: “Her boyfriend bought her a car, my boyfriend doesn’t even buy me lunch." Or, “His job did that for their employees, my boss doesn’t even appreciate us.” Let me be frank, you’d be in a much better place to appreciate the reality of your own life if you would, well, focus on your own life. Bro, sis, sign out of social media and live the life that’s in front of you! You know, the one that’s real, the one that’s YOURS. You better own your life! Appreciate the people in your life and the many blessings that you’ve been lavishly given!

 

With much prayer and persistence, you can overcome the habit of constantly comparing your loved ones. It does NOT have to be something you constantly struggle with. Give your loved ones the respect they deserve and love them for who they are. Allow them to live their lives free of your impositions. I guarantee you, you’d be much happier.

 

 

[Check out the Worksheet for this week for deeper reflection.]

 

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Guest Article Written By: Lashantè Stubbs

Lashantè is a fourth year Medical Student. While she is pursuing a career in medicine, she also runs an organization for young women called Pearls Empowerment, and is the Editor of her magazine for women called, "Becoming".

 

Connect with Lashantè on Instagram at "shantestubbs"and be sure to check out the latest issue of her magazine at the link below:

 

https://issuu.com/pearlsempowerment/docs/part_1_magazine_apr_may_2019_editio?fbclid=IwAR2xxkHa5s3ahzU4EtYJUaje8Auo8uKvqlLJCNRqPR15sov1JaBUUHAhgzk