I always wanted 1 more kid. But it was never the right time. I always told myself once I make more money, once I get my own place, etc The beginning of March I found out I was pregnant. I was drowning in my own thoughts. Thinking it wasn't the right time, thinking I was gonna take away from my kids. But God tugged my heart, and said to trust him. He said, haven't I always made a way? And I knew he was right. So I left that anxiety behind, and I started to feel happy and excited. Started to think of the future. Started to think of ideas on how to tell my family. I definitely was gonna have a gender reveal party! I never had one. Decided to go with the smoke bombs. They looked cooler, than the balloon. I created an Amazon baby registry. Started to think of how I was gonna tell my Instagram friends/family. I told myself, I was gonna enjoy this pregnancy to the MAX. Cuz it was gonna be my last one. I had to make it count!
I ordered onesies to tell my kids and family.
I scheduled a photoshoot where I would tell my kids. I was a little scared, cuz I had no idea of how they were gonna react. Especially my 2 oldest. My son was like smh seriously mom!? Lol and Kimberly my sour patch, cried cuz she was excited and happy. And My Emma, was confused lol it took her a couple of minutes to realize what was going on. But that day was amazing.
My kids finally knew, and I felt a sense of relief. Now I can tell the whole world! I was waiting for the pics to share the news with you. But before I could, my world changed.
I had an ultrasound done April 9. And they told me you're about 7 weeks. My due date was November 21 ❤ On April 23rd I was spotting. No cramps. And I know its normal during some pregnancies. I just kept my eye on it, took the day off, and rested. The spotting stopped. On April 27, I had an appointment at a private 3d ultrasound place. To get some additional pictures and I wanted them to record the heartbeat to keep it as a keepsake. The tech did her thing, and said the baby doesn't look 10 weeks. It looks like your 8 weeks. I was able to see my little baby. So that made me super happy.
She had a hard time finding the heartbeat. She said its because the baby is still small. She said, come back in a few weeks and we can record the heartbeat for you. We left, and I was overall happy. Because I got to see the baby.
Then I started to think, how can I be 8 weeks? I'm suppose to be closer to 11 weeks. Unless my first ultrasound was way off. I couldn't stop thinking about it. On Monday April 29, I called the clinic and told them about the ultrasounds being off. She told me the earliest they can see me was till the following week. I said ok. But I wasn't at peace. I couldn't wait a whole week to know if the baby was ok. So that night, after my kids were asleep. I went to the ER. Told them I was possibly having a miscarriage. They took me in pretty quickly, thank God. They drew blood out. The ultrasound tech came and I told him about the ultrasounds telling me different stories. He did the ultrasound on top of my belly, and after 10-20 min, he said it shows your about 8 weeks. And he asked me do you want me to do a transvaginal ultrasound? To get a better view? I said yes. He left, to go get the equipment. I started to pray. I knew something was wrong. But I asked God to save my baby. I prayed for protection over him/her. He came back, did another 20 min ultrasound. And of course they are not allowed to say much. Till the doctor sees it. He typed all these things out and said ok, I'll pass this to the Doctor and we'll go from there. An hour pass. I tried watching tv. But I couldn't focus on anything else.
Finally at 12:30am the doctor comes in and says the baby shows its 8 weeks and 5 days. And we couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. Your HCG levels have dropped. Which all points to your having a miscarriage. She of course said, it happens to a lot of women. Its not your fault. Its not anything you did. Or could have done. Women go on to have healthy babies after miscarriages. Im sorry.
I shed a few tears, I tried to stay strong. As soon as she walked away, I wept. Wiped my tears away as they came down. I just needed to get out of there. I drove home, and I stayed in my car. Crying. I needed to calm down. Because everyone was asleep. I needed to collect myself before going in. The enemy was quick to come and fill my head and heart with anger. Why God? What was the point? Why tell me, you got me? For it to end like this? I don't understand. My relationship with God has grown so much in the last few years. I know that even when I don't understand why, I gotta trust him. I started to sing...
" I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar.
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!"
My heart is hurting, but he's the only one who can give me that comfort I need. I gotta trust that his plans are better than mine.
I finally get into bed, it was the longest night. How was I gonna tell my kids? I was worried about Kimberly. Because she was so happy, and excited. I couldn't lie. She deserved to know the truth. The following day, she asked me how did it go at the hospital? Everything ok? I tried my hardest to stay strong, to not cry. She needed me to be strong. I told her, and she remained strong for a few min. But then she started to cry, like a baby. Broke my heart. I hugged her and cried with her.
I told her, we gotta trust in God. In his plans. I can see the sadness through her eyes. It was a hard day.
As I'm writing this, my baby is still in my womb. To think its been in me for 3 weeks with no heartbeat, breaks my heart. Now I wait to pass it, or for them to take it out. I don't know what's better. Nothing is. Im trying my hardest to not shut down. My kids need me. I got orders. I got responsibilities. But I wish I could just lay in bed all day and sleep if off. Deep down, I know Its ok to feel this way. Im grieving. I need closure. Its not about trying again, its about THIS baby that's inside of me. Who I couldn't wait to meet. I can't get stuck feeling this way. I gotta find that inner strength, that I know I have, and keep pushing. Better days await me, he promised.
And I'm gonna hold on to that promise really tight.
If you pray, pray for us. For healing. And for comfort. I love you guys. And this is why I share raw stuff. Because theres people out there who need to know they are not alone in their pain. We are all carrying something around, that sometimes weigh us down. Know that things will get better. He promised.