For many of us, our life is dominated by never-ending lists of shoulds. These could come in the form of all those everyday tasks that we expect of ourselves, to the big shoulds - those that determine the path of our lives. These might be things like: I should own my own home by now, I should be married, I should get it right all the time. Most of it amounts to the same thing: I should be perfect. Where do shoulds come from? Shoulds are messages that we have taken in from outs

Sometimes we are full of good intentions that amount to nothing. We have our goals, we have a clear idea of all the things that we want to achieve, and yet something holds us back. Shifting from the idea to the action is tricky, somehow. We get in our own way. We procrastinate and put things off, we let self-doubt set in. We struggle to get started and then we struggle to see it through. Our motivation seems to be this mysterious thing we have no control over that comes and g

We'd all love to be perfect. Beyond criticism, universally approved of, every decision the right one. Sounds great! Whilst many of us gave up on achieving this impossible dream long ago, perfectionists are true believers, endlessly striving for the ultimate moment when everything is just right - all tasks completed, all relationships running smoothly, self-improved till there's no more improving to do. But given it's not possible to be perfect, perfectionists' only option is

Everyone feels low from time to time. If you are going through challenging times your feelings of despondency may be entirely valid and appropriate to the situation. Other times you may be feeling flat for no reason you can put your finger on. Either way, allowing yourself to experience your misery for a short time is not a bad thing. The problem arises when you get stuck there, or find yourself waking up in a bad mood and struggling to shake it off. Here are seven simple ste

Sometimes known as hypochondria, health anxiety is a condition in which we are preoccupied with our health, in the absence of any serious medical condition. Everyone worries about health at times. We are even encouraged to check ourselves for signs of disease like diabetes and cancer. However, whilst a degree of vigilance can certainly be useful, sometimes we can become preoccupied with our health to a disproportionate degree, constantly on the look-out for symptoms, googling

Worriers often tend to make it a life’s work. They were worried children and are now worried adults. They probably also have worried parents and possibly also for a long time believed in worrying as a sensible approach to life. If you’re a worrier, you might notice that you tend to believe that worrying has some protective function in your life. Perhaps it prepares you for some yet-to-befall calamity or affords a magical kind of security. Perhaps if you didn’t worry you would

Many of us hate conflict. Especially when it comes to conflict with friends or people we care about. We fear the impact upon the relationship. We fear the consequences of expressing ourselves. Whilst we often can let loose on family and partners safe in the knowledge they will (probably) stick around, with friends it’s a different story. The idea of presenting someone with our authentic feelings about a situation makes us feel deeply uncomfortable and we end up swallowing our

It's totally normal to feel anxious when facing a high-stakes or high pressure situation as often occurs in the world of competitive sports. So, how do you know when you might need to seek support for anxiety issues? Anxiety is a normal emotion to experience and also a necessary one. It lets us know when we need to be ready to take action and be on guard. The problem comes when our anxiety is irrational, or disproportionate to the issues at hand. You will probably find if you

I often talk with clients about relationship patterns and how they evolve from our early experiences with caregivers. These first relationships provide templates for how to be with others. These templates get stored outside of our awareness but go on to impact our relationships as adults. Someone who had a secure attachment with a parent - meaning they felt safe enough as a child to explore with a balance between closeness and independence and with parents who were reliable f

Retirement from elite sport can be an enjoyable process of moving towards new and exciting goals. However, for those for whom retirement comes unexpectedly through injury or being released from a club, or for those whose identities are so closely bound up with their sporting achievements they don’t know who they are without it, retirement can be a deeply challenging time. Indeed, retirement from sport has been identified by research as a ‘mental health pressure point’ (see re

In amongst all the success, there were some heart-breaking moments for Team GB during the Olympics: Tom Daley failing to make the 10 metre platform diving final having smashed it in the preliminaries, Adam Gemili missing out on a bronze in the 200m on the track by 3 thousandths of a second. Most painful of all was Lutalo Muhammad losing the gold medal in the -80kg Taekwondo in the final second of the fight. His interview in the aftermath was one of the most moving moments of

This post is particularly about sporting success but the principles I talk about can be applied to any life goals. Regardless of our conscious intentions, sometimes our unconscious has a completely different agenda. If you notice that you have a pattern of coming close to your goals but not quite getting over the line even though it’s within your capabilities, or of not being able to replicate in competition what you can do in training, it may be that you are afraid of succes

Everyone has experienced rejection. It could be in relationships, in work, in friendship. Real or perceived rejection can play havoc with our self esteem and leave us asking: What’s wrong with me? First of all, congratulate yourself. In order to get rejected you first had to put yourself out there, and that’s a brave and authentic thing to do. Of course you can spend your life avoiding rejection, but fortune favours the bold. Whilst it may not have worked out this time, you’v

We all feel socially anxious sometimes but these feelings affect some of us more than others. They can stop us having fun when we're out with people or even put us off going out altogether. Here are five ways to help yourself when these feelings threaten to overwhelm you. STEP ONE: COMMIT to yourself, to being your own best friend. That means you don’t say lots of nasty things to yourself. If you stop and check, you’ll notice that you are bombarding yourself with unhelpful th