Sometimes - well, all the time - I think maybe it will feel better if at least someone knows.
At least I feel like it will feel better if I can get it out. Will it? Maybe, feels a little better already. Kind of ironic really.
"It's easier to talk to strangers than to my friends or family - and certainly not my spouse."
I have friends - AMAZING friends - really. Do anything for me friends. My family - same. So why am I publishing a blog in hopes of connecting with a few strangers here and there that might somehow make me feel like I'm heard and not so alone? Good question. Maybe because if you are here:
you won't judge me
you won't tell me what i should do or haven't done
you won't tell me how ridiculous I am for not confiding in my friends and family
you won't need something from me
you won't tell me to stop drinking or doing whatever stupid coping method keeps me sane
Maybe you will. That feedback is welcome too. After all, I'm anonymous. That kind of feedback - whether well intentioned or scornful - is just that, feedback from someone who doesn't really know me.
That's my cloak right now. This blog. Being able to talk and no-one knows that I already know the answers but I'm just not strong enough to make the changes.
Hm, interesting. So you are thinking, "then why the hell are you doing this? Reaching out, but not wanting feedback - not willing to make changes? "
Excellent questions, and one that I myself would ask. Primarily though, I just want to get it out. I want to scream, I want to crawl in a hole and not come out, I want to keep smiling so no-one can really see how broken I am.
Well, here it is.... I suffer from depression, maybe more. Cyclothymia? I'm not saying I'm all sick - I'm not saying that how I feel or why I feel like I do is something that is just mine. I know other people are suffering too.
Which is actually my number two reason for this blog - the not just about me part. If I feel this awful, then I know that others do too. And I don't want to feel alone - and I don't want you to feel alone either.
Here is the thing. I have felt awful a good part of my life. And I've felt "normal" and I've felt unstoppable exhilaration. (Yes all probably Cyclothymia? - not sure, not been diagnosed.) And for the most part - I can deal. I do the best I can to deal. I show up for work, for clients, for kids, for the bills, for the community, for my friends, for my family... I do it. I get by.
So here is my problem. My spouse is suffering from Major Depression. Like MAJOR. Talks about killing himself, others etc. I don't think he would actually do it. Maybe? But no real threat to others I think. Though he did ask me last week if I cared about my reputation.
Cared about my reputation? Well yes, and no. What do you mean? If I cared about my reputation - so I was thinking - I wouldn't take you to meet clients or take you to parties with influential people in my community. But heck, I gave up on that kind of caring a long time ago. I can't worry about everything, and I choose to worry about my family and spouse and let go what I can't control. (I didn't say that out loud of course.)
But no, he meant - would I care about my reputation if he went to the local bar and went maniac. Um yeah I said, that would be kind of crappy for me. Thanks for asking.
I know - by right about now - you are all going to say. WTF. Get away. This has to stop/end - why are you even talking about this.
Because he is my spouse. I love him. Getting away from him means huge heartache for me and bad things for him. (Yes, bad things. I don't mean that I'm so wonderful that he can't live without me, but he would spiral and do something intensely rash I'm sure. And no, there is no one else to deal with this.)
That's just one tiny story. I'm strong, but I'm dying a thousand deaths trying to negotiate taking care of myself and taking care of someone I love.
I'm struggling with my own problems and yet I'm struggling with his too. And I'm stuck between being selfish or being to giving. I can't even find the line anymore.
What do I say to a spouse that has quit a job - 6th time in 4 years - because of depression. "It's okay honey, I know you are struggling."
I try each time to make it better. To get him back on his feet. And for the most part I succeed. But what about me? I'm going crazy I think. I know I am loosing it. I drink too much. I don't sleep right. I cry everyday. I feel like CRAP - but I know I have to take care of things because no one else will. And so I do it.
I'm extremely resentful that he gets to be sick and just be sick. Quit working. Be mean to me. Take care of no responsibilities. I want this luxury too. But I don't have it. So is it just that I'm less sick? Or have a stronger sense of responsibility? Or am I just being selfish for even asking these questions?
Either way right now I loose. I can't see a path that does not bring me pain. I keep caring for him and he keeps hurting me. Or I ask him to leave and his destruction is my downfall. He left once three years ago for two weeks. I had no idea where he was, and I thought I was dying an emotional death. No matter how tough things are right now - I am terrified of ever feeling like that again.
And to be clear. I have taken him to psychologists, medical doctors, councilors - all with him wanting this. And just 2 days ago, I took him - at his request - to the crisis center at one of the top psychiatric hospitals in the US. After 4 hours they said, "you need to be here - but we don't have a bed." And I said, well what are you saying, what is the waiting list - how do we deal. Nothing, just leave, sorry nothing we can do for you. So YES a thousand times yes, I have tried to get him help. And no one is helping.
This is a whole other blog post. Next one I think. Right now, I'm just exhausted.
Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate you.