I lost my father from cancer. The pains and regrets of not getting a chance to see him and spend time with him on his last few days are still like a ghost haunting me almost every day of my life.
I remember my father as a tough man with a soft and big heart. He was popular in our town because of being friendly and generous in offering help to anyone. He talks to anyone regardless of the status in life. I learned from him the value of kindness and friendship. As a father, he was not perfect but he was the best father that we could ever have, proud of and loved. He was protective that made us feel safe whenever he was around. He was thoughtful and showy that made us feel comfortable and always made us believe that everything was alright. He taught us to be open and honest in our feelings - pushed us to be straightforward and brave in our words. He was not just our father but also, our best friend.
Still hearing some of our last conversation with my promise inside my head.."I'm coming back home soon, wait for me", I said. And he replied, "Yes". That was our few words before the phone line got cut off. And at night of our video chat, he gave his last words as he thinks that he might not make it anymore and said that he loves us.
And a few hours after that conversation, I was shocked by the message that he passed away. I had a feeling that he was going but still tried to keep myself have more faith that he could hold on..a little long...as I'm coming home soon.
In my loving father's memory I made this poem:
My Father's Brave Words
In the darkroom, haunted every night
By the lonely soul… slaved by pain and sorrow.
I thought it was normal…I thought it was all right…
Uttered brave words…showed strong face…But confused.
I hear voices… I see scenes flashing so fast in my inner sight.
Trembling of my heartbeat, it was like just yesterday.
Like movies playing back that made me smile, laugh and cry.
Oh, how I’m dying to hold them back.
I recall the moment, I see you in tears from pains and sorrows just like this.
You said, “It is fine and that is how life will be. Only He knows when our time will cease.”
You uttered brave words…showed strong face…and comforted me.
And undoubtedly made me believe this is easy.
You told me a thousand times, all of us will rest and leave.
Life is our journey that will soon end;
But you will be happy to leave us with a strong faith in heaven.
And in that special place, all of us will be united again.
I know I will get old, weak and die just like you.
I am thinking it is normal…I am thinking it is all right…
I am uttering brave words…showing strong face…and copying you.
But scared if I can’t be strong enough just like you.
Wait! Oh, father, you left me unprepared as what I’ve had thought.
In this dark room as your memory stays… and as I recall…
You never stop uttering brave words….you never leave.
Now, I understand – “Have strong faith in heaven” – and that’s it!