These past few weeks have been a blur. I spent so much time working on this website, trying to get it right before I started promoting it. I started staying up until 2 in the morning almost every night. Some nights I wouldn't fall asleep until 4. All the while having to get up early some mornings to do various appointments.
Most mornings I would get up and get right back on the computer and start where I left off the night before, time kept flying by. I couldn't put it down and before I realized it I was obsessed with it. And it got so bad that I couldn't focus on one thing at a time. I would start writing out a draft on one blog post only to stop halfway through and start on a different blog post. I had so much I was thinking about besides putting all of this together.
I wasn't having my quiet time in the mornings and my communication with God throughout the day became little as my mind was preoccupied. There was no emptying my head I had a million different things on my mind and by the end of the week, two weeks ago, it finally occurred to me my thoughts were racing faster than A Russian racehorse with a rocket pack.I informed my psychiatrist who told me to keep an eye on it and if it got worse to call her right away.
I had to force myself to stop what I was doing, leave it alone and focus on something that wasn't as overstimulating. I know that this lead to some mood swings and that's part of the reason I have been depressed so far this week. Granted I'm finding moments of peace as I set my mind back on God, but still, it's been tough. I'm just glad I realized my thoughts were racing. It's when I let it go too far that things get bad. I'm OK now. I have learned to read myself better this past year.
One thing is for sure, all this is humbling. As I'm setting up a website where I desire to help others, I'm reminded that I can't help others. This whole thing is showing my journey with bipolar and how my relationship with God gives me peace and strength. That doesn't mean that I am going to be able to withstand everything my bipolar throws at me without bending a little. It simply means that I don't lose hope because I've seen God in control of my life, even if on the surface everything seems chaotic.
He has brought me through so much this past year as my life began to get busier and busier. Right now I'm struggling with some depression and anxiety, but I know I'm going to be ok because God has seen me through time and time again. I press forward, knowing that I don't have to be strong to show that God has control of the outcome. He has me in the palm of his hand. I just have to be true to myself as I practice turning to him to draw strength while I endure this journey. It is only by his grace that I came this far. So I trust him when I can't trust my strength.