SDNY Showdown!

Folks on both sides of the Trump-Russia scandal - Tea Pain included - have been laborin’ under a false premise for some time now. We all assumed Bob Mueller would swoop in, carpet-bomb the Trump Treason Team with dozens of indictments, mount his trusty steed “Justice,” and ride off into the sunset.

Needless to say, we were left hangin’ when Mueller dropped his report without a single indictment for conspiracy. “How could that be?” folks asked. “He didn’t even interview the President or Don. Jr. Did Mueller just roll over?”


This may be too much information for some of you... but Tea Pain was in the shower this mornin’, deep conditionin’ his luxurious beard, when he had a “Tea-piphany.”


Nope, folks. Mueller didn’t give an inch, because it was never his intention to prosecute the Trump inner circle himself. Think about this for a second. Mueller uncovered a rat’s nest of evidence in his cursory examination of Michael Cohen that could have justified him bringin’ on 10 more prosecutors and spawnin’ an entire Cohen-centric litigation department. Instead, he chose to hand off the President’s most trusted non-family member to the Southern District of New York.


Needless to say, Cohen held the keys to the kingdom, but Mueller humbly passed him on to another jurisdiction. This is the key to understandin’ yesterday’s Mueller report news.


As stewards of justice, courts like to enjoin cases against a common defendant to one venue whenever possible. This saves us taxpayers money and reduces redundant work on legal resources. Part of the Tea-piphany was that the Southern District of New York already has a legal case where the President of the United States, or “Individual-1” as he’s know in legal circles, is already in line to be indicted as soon as he’s out of office. Naturally, it would be highly expedient for Trump’s inner circle to be enjoined there with him. Plus, this eliminates the inevitable head-buttin’ between Mueller and his new Trump-lovin’ boss, William Barr, over whether he can prosecute the Trump family or indict a sittin’ President. (Pardon the pun, but Tea Pain don’t trust William Barr for a New York minute.)


Remember when Trump fussed that Paul Manafort couldn’t get a fair trial in “a liberal D.C. court”? Bein’ tried in New York City would remove any argument that Trump might have about bein’ judged by a jury of his peers.


Also, the SDNY, or “Sovereign” District of New York as it’s jokingly known, is arguably the most autonomous federal court in the country, free to make its own decisions and insulated from Trump’s meddlin’. If Mueller had tried the case himself, Trump could have shut down the Mueller probe and plunged us even deeper into a constitutional crisis. Mueller couldn’t have picked a better final battleground than New York City to take down New York’s least favorite son.


This explains why Mueller never attempted to interview Trump or Junior. Many folks smarter than Tea Pain are suggestin’ that the Trumps told Mueller they would plead the fifth if subpoenaed, so Mueller wisely forwarded his evidence to a court already loaded up and highballin’ down the tracks toward justice against America’s first family of crime and corruption.


Mueller told us over a year ago the final battle would be fought in the SDNY. We just weren’t listenin’.

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