The Ten Commandments of Tweetin'

Tea Pain’s been called “Twitter’s premier troll-buster,” and while Tea Pain appreciates the honor, it’s really nothin’ special. Anybody can do it if you just foller a simple set of rules. Think of it as the “Ten Commandments of Tweetin.” Tea Pain will sharpen your Twitter game with this simple set of dos and don'ts.

1. First, Do No Harm

Erik here is a prime example of what happens when you violate the Twit-o-cratic oath: “First, do no harm.” Ol’ Erik never met a death threat he didn’t like. This scamp has been suspended at least a dozen times as of last count and has been the source of a whole lotta Liberal laughter!

Erik is another one of them naive Trumpers that hated Obama for gettin’ him healthcare, then voted for Trump so he could take it away. He’s obviously a proud feller that is willin’ to die for the white reason.

If you’re ever in doubt about how your own Twitter career is comin’ along, here’s a good piece of advice. Stop and ask yourself: “Am I better off than I was 3 tweets ago?”

If you answered “No,” chances are, you’re Erik. And by the way, ladies, he’s “singel!”

2. Never Misspell an Insult

This is the social media equivalent of pullin’ the pin on a grenade and tossin’ the pin instead. Before you let loose a scathin’ retort about the other feller’s belief system, you best check your spellin’ and grammar twice, or you’ll wind up like this poor feller:

Those little red lines in your spellchecker are workin’ hard to keep you from lookin’ like an idiot. Don’t let the air outta your own balloon; listen to ‘em!

The First Amendment protects your right to act a fool on Twitter, but the Second Amendment can’t protect you from shootin’ yourself in the foot.

3. Don’t Let Your Own Words Bite You

Once Trump began runnin’ for president and folks started studyin’ his Twitter feed, it was discovered you could find a tweet he made a couple years ago that would flatly contradict something he tweeted today. That’s really nothin’ new, folks, cause fools have been doin’ that for thousands of years. It only took modern technology and social media to trick ‘em into puttin’ it into writing.

Put this into practice for yourself. If somebody is callin’ you or your team “racist,” search his Twitter feed. You’ll almost always find the n-word or other unsavory nicknames for minorities and such. If someone calls you stupid for makin’ a typo, give his feed a quick once-over, and you’ll find he does to English what Brutus did to Caesar.

Pro-tip: Don’t use Russia Today to prove your candidate has no ties to Russia.

4. Think Before You Tweet

You shouldn’t even have to tell folks this, but even Tea Pain is still surprised by the lack of thought that goes into some of these trolls’ silly tweets. Take ol’ Wild Bill here for example. Bill was no doubt proud when he let this one fly. He was sho nuff excited to be only the 14 millionth troll on Twitter to bust out this 150-year-old debunked talkin’ point.

Without thinkin’, ol’ Bill admitted to the whole world that Conservatives are currently in control of the KKK. While we're on the topic of the KKK, here’s one of the most effective comebacks Tea Pain’s ever found to deal with these silly critters and their KKK foolishness.

This one always stops ‘em in their tracks. Tea Pain’s had over two dozen trolls block and run after gettin’ this tasty riff served up in their timeline. Can you imagine these silly trolls actually think that a buncha Liberal Democrats run the most infamous racist organization in American history, while simultaneously campaignin’ for the first African-American president? If these folks were any slower, you’d have to water ‘em twice a week.

Poor Dev. He stopped to think once and never got started back up again. Fortunately for ol’ Dev, Trump loves the “poorly educated.”

5. Thou Shalt Not Project Onto Others

First, let it be said that Tea Pain thinks Brother Cloyd is a fine feller that loves America. As a matter of fact, when Tea Pain was just gettin’ started on Twitter, folks used to compare Tea Pain to Brother Cloyd. They’d say things like “Tea Pain reminds me of Cloyd Rivers back when he used to be funny,” or “Tea Pain’s like Cloyd Rivers if Cloyd was witty and clever,” and other fun stuff like that. Tea Pain felt mighty honored just to be compared to him.

The big mistake Brother Cloyd made with this particular tweet is that he got a might cocky and projected his team’s natural weaknesses onto his opponents. Truth be told, the three documents Conservatives consult the least are the Constitution, the Bible and the dictionary. Brother Cloyd lobbed a big ol’ fat softball up there, and Tea Pain naturally had to swing for the fences.

6. Thou Shalt Not Pretend to Be a Minority

Tea Pain wishes he had a dollar for every Trump troll he’s rolled for pretendin’ to be a minority. These folks are the lowest of the low. To enforce the idea that they’re “black,” they often use phony “ghetto talk” which sounds like a racist’s cliché idea of what black folks talk like. When Tea Pain exposed this ol’ scoundrel, he switched his bio pic, wrapped himself in the flag and pretended to be a spokesperson for military vets. Ol’ Jason here doesn’t understand how Google image search works, cause it revealed he stole his original bio picture from the Mingle2 datin’ site. Funny how these ol’ white racists secretly dream of bein’ handsome black fellers.

One of Tea Pain’s favorites is this Trump troll that was so lazy, he didn’t even remove the watermark from his Shutterstock bio pic.

Pro-Tip: Anytime you see one of these “minorities for Trump” accounts, check out the bio photo. Learn to use Google image search, and you can bust these fakers in a New York minute!

7. Thou Shalt Not Be a Religious Hypocrite

Tea’s mama used to say, “You can’t pray to Jesus with a Judas mouth.” Mama was right. The Bible’s mighty clear about that. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths.” - Ephesians 4:29. Ol’ Jason here musta not got the Holy Memo, even though he got “saved” seven years ago.

Jason’s just follerin’ in the footsteps of Republican Jesus. In Jason’s mind, he’s sure Jesus went up on the mountain and cussed all the Hillary voters for bein’ a bunch of “Libtards.” Or his favorite passage, when Jesus chided the poor for bein’ a buncha gubment teet suckers. Oh, the stories Jason’s brain could tell us once properly medicated!

If Tea Pain’s seen it once, he’s seen it ten thousand times. Almost every time folks start flingin’ their faith around like a battle-axe, sure as shootin’ their timeline is full of #CussingForChrist.

Don’t get Tea Pain started on ol’ Dennis here. He’s been banned from Twitter more times than Cher had farewell tours. And don’t let the fact his bio pic was taken in an airport men’s room distract you from the fact that he’s 100% heterosexual. As a matter of fact, he’s so comfortable with his sexual orientation that he only mentions it in every third tweet.

And is he a Christian? Heck yes! If you don’t believe him, he’ll cuss you till you do.

8. Don’t Call Folks That Beat You Twice “Losers”

Irony has no place in American politics. How many times has a right-wing troll tried to make fun of you by sayin’, “At least I didn’t vote for that loser, Obama!?”

They say when you point your finger at somebody, you got three fingers pointin’ back at you. If there is ever an Irony Hall of Fame, there will be an entire wing dedicated to people that called Barack Obama an “idiot” while declarin’ Sarah Palin “a brilliant choice for a running mate.”

9. Don’t Be a Blatant Racist

Anybody that’s spent a few days on Twitter has bumped into ol’ Jack Posobiec. Jack is Doyle from Slingblade, but without all the redeemin’ qualities. Jack must be a really smart feller, cause he said so himself on Twitter, tellin’ all his tweeps he’s got an IQ of 151. You think a “super smart” feller like Jack wouldn’t have made such a silly mistake.

Jack tweeted about an African-American church that had burned in Mississippi on November 2, 2016. The scoundrels that done it left a message on the side of the church: “Vote Trump.” This looked mighty bad for the Trump team so, like any good Trump supporter, Jack went huntin’ for a black feller to pin it on. Because Jack is so smart, he found the culprit in no time. It was a black feller that was previously arrested in St. Louis for church arson. Only problem is, he was arrested three days before the Mississippi fire and was in the slammer when it happened.

Now this fact alone would have stopped any honorable person, but not Jack. He wasn’t about to let a tiny detail like the suspect bein’ in jail 500 miles away spoil the opportunity to blame black folks for this crime. Jack ain’t no liberal nancy-pants that sees the world in indecisive shades of grey. He sees things clearly in black and white. Well, more like white and white.

Tea Pain busted ol’ Jack for this and he got the horse-laugh from thousands on Twitter, but Jack never retracted the story. Jack’s a fella of principle that stands by his guns; his racist, xenophobic guns.

10. Seriously, Don’t Be a Blatant Racist

This Trump troll, which Tea Pain dubbed as “Spurry,” was the source of a lotta Twitter fun on Tea Pain’s timeline. He was Tea Pain’s muse for lots of amusin’ tweets. Let’s have a little fun unpackin’ these two beauties, shall we?

First of all, if you truly wanna understand the black experience in America, you need to ask a white supremacist from Texas, cause they’re the experts. Turns out black folks were “no more persecuted than any other races.” Spurry assures us the folks that had it really tough in America the past 241 years was poor white Christian males. Them poor fellers just couldn’t catch a break.

Spurry also reminded us that it was Liberals, not him, that were the real racists, even though all his tweets were branded with the “green frog” adopted by white supremacists in the Trump era.

Accordin’ to Spurry, who obviously got his PhD at Trump University, the real slavers in the U.S.A was black folks, even as far back as “the 1600’s.” Spurry kinda overlooked the fact that the United States was formed in 1776, but racists seldom let facts interfere with a good story.

This has got to be, without a doubt, Tea’s favorite troll takedown of all time. He’s used it time and time again, and every time the trolls walk right into it.

After 100 years of slavery followed by 150 years of racial oppression and inequality, America finally elected its first African American president. Immediately the Tea Party formed, which just happens to be 99.5% white. Now ask yourself, what are the chances that the first black president elected was declared the “worst president in history” by the Tea Party?

This Tea Party troll, like thousands of others, actually went on Twitter, typed “Obama is the most racist president of them all,” and clicked “Tweet” without ever stoppin’ to think that nine sittin’ U.S. Presidents actually owned slaves. When Tea Pain would ask these ol’ scudders to list examples of Obama’s “racism,” they couldn’t name a one. The real problem for the Tea Party seemed to be Obama lacked the proper presidential complexion.

Another product of the “Make America Hate Again” movement, ol’ Allen here is the walkin’ embodiment of all that’s wrong with the Alt-Right. “Making America White Again” is a tall task, but he’s definitely the white man for the job.

Listen close and Tea Pain will share some wisdom with you. Marcus Aurelius asked “What is it in itself? What is its nature?” Tea Pain thinks that what Brother Marcus was drivin’ at was how do you describe something in one word?

So Tea Pain’s gonna ask a similar question, and the answer is the key to understandin’ how to deal with all the hateful trolls on Twitter. The question is this: “What do all people fear the most?”

Tea Pain’s been preachin’ the Gospel all his life, and he’s seen a lotta folks get saved. You know what really brings ‘em down front? It’s not to serve their feller man. It’s not because they wanna be a better person. It’s not even because they feel guilty about their sins. It’s because when they die, they believe they will have to stand before their Creator and give an account of their life. (Romans 14:12)

There it is friends! In a single word: accountability.

In the tweet above, Chris accused President Obama of bein’ a racist. Rather than wastin’ dozens of tweets arguin’ back and forth, Tea Pain held Chris accountable before God and man. Folks like Chris make idiotic statements because they never imagine bein’ held accountable for ‘em. You can imagine Chris’s surprise when Tea Pain called him out.

Cockroaches scatter when you turn on the lights, and Chris was no different. Not only did he delete the tweet, there was so many tweeps pingin’ him for his silly statement, he deleted his account.


So there ya go friends, now you know what Tea Pain knows. Tea’s daddy was a good cook that lived by two rules: One, don’t put anything in it you don’t like, and, two, don’t burn it.

So here’s Tea Pain’s tweetin’ advice boiled down to its essence:

1. Never lose your cool.

2. Don’t tweet anything you wouldn’t want read back to you in a court of law.

That’s it. Happy tweetin’!

(Excerpt from Tea's first book, American Tweetheart, available on Amazon. Click here for more info.)