Why Tea Pain Left the Tea Party

Updated: Mar 25

This excerpt is from Chapter One - Growin' Up Tea Pain from "American Tweetheart." Click for more...

It wouldn’t be braggin’ to say that Tea Pain has the two best huntin’ dogs in the county. Tea bred ‘em back when he was in the Tea Party, so he called ‘em “Ben” and “Ghazi.”

Tea Pain took ‘em to all the Tea Party picnics. All Tea Pain had to do was call ‘em to get the fun started. Every time Tea Pain would yell “Ben!” “Ghazi!” the Tea Party folks would get all worked up and start carryin’ on! Them was some good times.

Back in 2012, ol’ Ted Cruz came outta nowhere as the leader of the Tea Party. Lookin’ back, it’s kinda funny that a bunch of Anglo-Saxon Tea Partiers anointed a Canadian-born Cuban whose father was a Communist to lead the charge against brown-skinned folks. But that’s the good thing about politics: it don’t have to make sense - you just have to vote.

Tea Pain don’t do nothin’ half-way, and ol’ Teddy couldn’t have had a bigger fan or a more zealous spokesperson than ol’ Tea Pain. That is, until October of 2013.

You see, the crown jewel of North Arkansas is the Buffalo National Riverway. There ain’t a prettier or better river anywhere for a good old-fashioned float trip. Folks come from six states to float its cool, clear spring-fed waters, driftin’ carefree along with the current beneath 100 foot limestone bluffs. You might even catch a glimpse of a herd of elk if you’re lucky. It is truly a work of God’s own hand.

About this same time, Ted Cruz was jockeyin’ his way to the head of the 2016 pack of hopefuls vyin’ to run for President. He saw his openin’ in the battle royale that was shapin’ up over the budget fight in Washington, D.C. Ted said this was the Tea Party’s chance to fight for “smaller gubment” and to show that dictator Obama that he wasn’t king no more!

We all cheered Teddy on as he led that filibuster all night, preachin’ about the constitution and readin’ Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham.” Nothin’ would show those stuck-up Washington Liberals we were a bonafide political movement like a grown man readin’ from a children’s book!

Teddy managed to charm a bunch of his feller Republicans into joinin’ him in shuttin’ down the gubment, and the fight was on!

Folks, the old sayin’ that “all politics is local” is a truthful statement if there ever was one, cause that weekend Tea Pain and his posse packed up the canoes in the back of our pickups and lit out to float and party on the Buffalo. Little did we realize that shuttin’ down the gubment also meant shuttin’ down our national parks. To our surprise, when we arrived all the gates were shut, and we were turned away by military-lookin’ security in black Chevy Tahoes sportin’ 9 millimeter side arms. For just a moment, we all felt like criminals for wantin’ to enjoy’ the National Riverway we always took for granted.

That night, Tea Pain had the strangest dream. He woke up in a cold sweat and was overcome by the Holy Ghost to write it all down. What came from that anointed fever dream was Tea Pain’s first “political epiphany.” Tea stared in disbelief at the words that just a moment ago danced uncontrollably from his fountain pen:

It’s like the Good Lord himself wrote those words just for Tea Pain, in rhymin’ verse, no less. In an instant, Tea Pain’s newly opened mind could extrapolate his current political platform to its logical, yet absurd conclusion. Tea Pain recoiled instantly when he realized he’d been votin’ against his own best interests all these years.

Tea Pain is not one for inaction, so he instinctively did two things:

1. He tweeted the following:

2. Then he called a press conference.

And the rest, as they say, is Twitter history.

This excerpt is from Chapter One - Growin' Up Tea Pain from "American Tweetheart." Click for more...

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